June 20, 2016
Dear Baby
I'm hoping I'm just having a moment or so of weakness. I just don't remember this being quite so hard. When you KNOW things are the same as last time, it's kind of refreshing, like "Oh yeah, THAT!" even if it's not a great thing. But I'm not sure if it's the same, and though I shouldn't necessarily think it will be, it's distressing. I'm exhausted, no tired that just going up my stair ladder at work once is a daunting task. I remember reading that swollen sinuses is a thing. I feel like I have a tiny bit of that and it's making it hard to breathe when I exert more than just normal walking force. I'm just so frustrated and tired and already over feeling so terrible.
The past two weekends, we went on longer road trips. Your big sister did a great job for the most part, especially when we drove 10.5 hours in one day. I just feel like I want to break down and sob. Last weekend, we went to Chicago. It's not that I didnt' want to go. I just didn't feel up to it but Mike thought it was something other than that. I still don't quite know if I get WHAT that is... just that I don't want to do the stuff he wants to or something? But honestly no, I just knew that I felt terrible the prior weekend and I didn't expect it to get any better. I was correct. Tired, sick, tired. I tried my best. But I didn't want to. I just wanted to lay down and not wake up for awhile.
Today is rough, and I expect this to last another few months. I know I'll get through it but right now it's just super hard to believe that I will. I just want to cry and go home and cry some more. I DO remember that part, but I really wish I could just breathe and function at least at a partial capacity to normal. I don't know how much longer I can do this, even though I don't have a choice.
I love you already, stay in there and stay safe, healthy and happy ALWAYS. It's not your fault. Never your fault. Mommy is a little bit weak, now more than normal even.
Love, Mama
P.S. I NEED to bring Tums to work. For real.
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